Kendime Mektuplar-1

Suçluluk biz izin verdiğimizce anlamlıydı...

Kendimizle olan hesaplaşma, zırhlarla donattığımızdan mıdır bilinmez, ne cok uzak ne de cok yakındı…

Lakin kat be kat maskeli kendimize, öz benliğimizi itiraf etmekte kolay olmuyordu kimi zaman…

Nerde olduğunu, gerçekliğini keşfetmesi ise tam bir muamma haliydi kendi kayboluşunda

Inandığı “hata yapmama” hikayelerine zahiri yatırım yapıyordu o kendiler…ta ki hatalı olduklarını anlayana dek…

Doğruyu yapma istekleriydi halbuki hataya düşüren…

Anladığında ise iç-yargıç bağırıyordu en gürbüz tonuyla: “eksik ve kusurlusun”

Kusuru kapatma eforuyla gecen zaman içinde hırpalanan benliğimize, bu bedeli ödetmek reva miydi sahiden?

Değildi…

Kendi gerçekliğimize suçlu hissederken yaklaşmak yani özle buluşmak güçtü sadece…

Güçtü çünkü; hayal dünyamızdaki kendimiz ile aramızda koca bir uçurum vardı…yıllarca olmayan kendilere yapılan yatırımlar ve bununla yüzleşmedeki suçluluk hali tam bir fırsatken eksiklikleri giderilemeyen kendilerin ihtiyaçlarında paya düşen cezayı payda da tek bir olgu hafifletiyordu…

“Suçluluk”

Benliğin suçlarla dolu mayın tarlasında “hatasız” yürümeye kodlanmışken, patlayan izinsiz ve sahipsiz bir mayın nasıl lime lime ediyordu uzaklaştığımız kendimizi…hatalısın diye bas bas bağırarak…

Halbuki…

Yargılamadaki hüner doğru yapılmazsa ceza da -kendine yorgun ve sıkılmış bir kendiyle- hatayı katlaya katlaya tokat gibi geliyordu.

Daha beteri de vardı elbet…suçluluğu öğrenmeyen, kendine yakıştırmayan, zerre ayıp bilmeyen, kendini konumlandırdığı seviyede bu durumu yakışıksız bulan narsist kendiler, neyi neden yaptıklarını bilmiyorlardı bile, yetkinlikleri yoktu ki isteklerini net ifade edebilseler, sadece yaptıkları zannetmekten ibaretti…

Ve bu “zan”da en büyük tehdidiydi hatanın…

Izin verdiğimiz  ölçüde özgürleşiyorduk hatalarımızdan...

Kendi keşif yolumuzda kendimizden baska birinin olmadığı  o hal-i ruhiyet: kendinle buluşma ve barışma hali geldiğinde ise…

Gerçekliğimizin gücüne güç katıyordu suçluluk…

Yani;

Suçlu hissettiğimiz kadar biz vardık…

Dinginleşiyordu artık iç ses, ceza vere vere gardiyanı olduğu kendi ile barışma vaktiydi artık…isteklerini daha net ifade edebildiğinden midir artık şevketle kucaklıyordu benliğini…

Gönülden…

Merhamet ve af ile!

Letters to Myself – 1

Guilt was meaningful as long as we allowed it…

It is not known whether it was because we were equipped with armors, the reckoning with ourselves was neither too far nor too close.

However, sometimes it was not easy to confess ourself to our masked selves. Discovering where he was and his reality was a complete mystery in his own disappearance.

He was emotionally invested in the stories of “make no mistake” he believed in, oh, they themselves until they realized they were wrong.

It was their will to do the right thing that made mistakes. When he understood, the inner-judge was shouting in his strongest voice: “You are incomplete and flawed”

Was it really a pleasure to make ourself, which has been battered by the effort of covering our fault, to pay this price?

We were guilty.

While feeling guilty, it was difficult to approach our own reality, that is, to meet the essence.

It was powerful because; There was a huge gap between ourselves and ourselves in our imagination.

While the investments made in themselves that did not exist for years and the state of guilt in confronting this were a complete opportunity, a single phenomenon alleviated the punishment that fell to the share of their needs, whose deficiencies could not be eliminated.

“Guilt”

While your self was coded to walk “without mistakes” in a minefield full of crimes, how an unauthorized and unclaimed mine was tearing ourselves away from ourselves shouting that you were wrong.

Whereas…

If the dexterity in the trial was not done correctly, the punishment – a tiny self bored with itself, a big balloon with itself – felt like a slap, multiplying the mistake.

Of course, there was worse… Those who didn’t learn about guilt, didn’t suit themselves, didn’t know the slightest shame, and found this situation unbecoming at the level they positioned themselves, didn’t even know what they were doing and why they didn’t even know what they were doing. this was the biggest threat of “thinking”

We were liberating from our mistakes as much as we allowed. That state of mind where there is no one but ourselves on our own path of discovery: when it comes to meeting and reconciling with yourself.

Did guilt add to the power of our reality…that is, we were as much as we felt guilty.

The inner voice was calming down now, it was time to make peace with himself, where he was punishingly bored and stuck… Is it because he could express his wishes more clearly, he was now embracing himself with affection.

From the heart;

With mercy and forgiveness

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